FFS (Advice NEEDED)

Another long, tedious and boring as hell week, or so it seems when you're hardly interested in what you're supposed to be learning.

When I first started this course, I was split 50/50 about whether or not I really wanted a career in Nursing and sadly, I must admit that the more we get into it, the less appealing it becomes. :( Don't get me wrong, I do like the idea of helping others with their 'regular' activities of daily living, etc. BUT, when it comes to bathing, changing and feeding the elderly every day, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea.

I hate when people suggest I'll get used to it, as that isn't the issue ... the point is that I am NOT comfortable - whether it be putting Depends on somebody, cleaning the mess up after they've worn one, slipping a catheter into their urethra, and so on. The reason I ramble on about such things is because I've already a placement in a Nursing Home if I want it. *Shakes head*

God how I wish I was doing something more girly, more ME. Perhaps Esthetics, Cosmetology, etc, you get the idea. Not to mention, I've worked at my desk nearly 6 years as a graphic/web developer and this is a rather drastic change in my opinion. The course was paid for however, as it's in much demand around here - so I thought, 'why not'. Ignoring those that said to me time and time again "This is something you've really got to want to do." Yeah.

I wish I could just skip all the classes and job shadowing placements and just get the certificate, know what I mean? Only because I dread going into the Nursing Home. I'd be more interested in going in and spending time with these people in a supportive or recreational way if that makes sense. Company for them ...

The only thing keeping me there honestly is the thought of knowing I'll be able to work in either a group home, rehab or VON. Though again, not really want I want to do with my life. I guess that's what happens when you're 37 before trying to get your shit together and start over.

Smoking and school =(

Seriously I need some advice here.

I smoked nearly 18 years, quit for 4 and over the past 5-6 months have been smoking again. Mind you, before I was smoking a pack a day, and now I'm smoking approx 10 a day. But I seem to be smoking more and more as the days go by. Pack lasted me for 4-5 days, now it's 3 days if I'm lucky ... I very MUCH want to stop, and every pack is the last ... if you catch my drift. One excuse after another I have ... I desperately want to run more, right now, I'm lucky if I can run for 5 minutes at a time, I DO blame it on the smoking.

I remember when I stopped the last time, just out of the blue (as cliche as it may sound) I felt soooo much better! Why is it so difficult this time? I'm on anti-depressants due to some emotional issues (unhealthy relationship had ended, lost my home, good job, etc, etc), Ok, maybe I just answered my own question ... or is that just another excuse? I'm trying to lose the weight I've gained as well, so again - I use the lighting up as an excuse, my 'having a puff' instead of something to munch on, do you know what I mean?

I hate the well it smells, my God, I feel ashamed for starting again.

I'm running out of time already, but have to comment on the Nursing course I'm taking ... in short, it's actually a 'CCA' course, 'continuing care assistant' and while I very much want to be in a profession where I'm helping others, I just cannot see myself doing the 'perennial care' of it. (Washing genitals, etc) in a nursing home. Doesn't make me a bad person, I just don't feel comfortable with it. Our placement (job shadowing) isn't for another 2 months, yet I DREAD the day it comes because I'm not at all interested.

Why'd I decide to take it? Well, several reasons. Financial security, a better life for me and my kids and so on ... but to be honest, it didn't interest me from the beginning, but it's paid for (high demand in the area) and we're guaranteed a full-time job in the end in a nursing home. THAT I DO NOT WANT. I realize I'll be able to work in the Rehab, for the VON as well as group homes ... those ARE of interest, but not the nursing home atmosphere.

I'll post more about it at a later time, just wanted to get it off my chest. :(